July was the hardest month of the year for me. I did absolutely NOTHING with my children and I was attached to the phone getting daily updates about my moms condition. I knew I should come see her after she called me crying so hard she couldn't even speak clearly. She was on her way home from the doctor and got results back that were not good. She told me the cancer was back in "full force" and with a vengence. (It had dropped really low after 6 rounds of chemo) We were all shocked at how fast it returned. I told my mom that I would come see her in August because I had a 10 year reunion also. I will never forget the words she said to me..."Sherri, if you want to come and spend some time with me then you better come quick. I think this is going to go quick. I have no idea what August will be like." Needless to say, I hung up the phone and after crying so hard my head felt as if was going to blow I made arrangements to leave within a few days.
That was the best decision I couldve ever made. At that point, I still thought we had a few good months but I was wrong. I spent six days with her along with my children.
Wednesday. July 9, 2008
-Arrived at home with my 3 children..Carson,Chelsea and Davis
-Mom put a whole chicken in the crock pot for dinner
Thursday. July 10, 2008 (A Real Awakening)
-Mom had an appt. with Dr. Weeks(oncology) @9:15 am Dad and I were there to support mom. I will never forget that day. He told her the cancer was rampant and "lets get started with the next round of chemo" he said. Mom interupted him and said, "I don't think I want to do any more chemo! Not unless I have a better outcome than this." He understood her point of view but really didn't have any answers for us. They were basically playing a guessing game with the kind of meds to give for chemo because they didn't even know what kind of cancer it was. (Unknown Primary)
Mom wanted to know a kind of timeline. She flat out asked him, Dr. how much time do I have? When am I going to die? Just tell me! Wow, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Here I just came from Boise the day previous, knowing what was going on but being distant from it all. Then I was standing in a Drs. office hearing the words of 60-90 days. I about fell over...It was all I had and with help from the Lord above to sustain me. Afterward, one of my moms favorite nurses came up to her and gave her a big hug. I didn't know then that it was a goodbye hug but I know now that she knew it was. Nancy looked at her and said, "Now Chris, I want you to go home and I want you to plan your funeral! Plan out how you want it to be and then I want you to put it away and then LIVE! MY mom sobbed, "how do I LIVE! You don't even know how I feel!" I felt so lost...I couldn't even take in those words. They scheduled my mom for a (end of life surgery) as the doctors so nicely put it, to make her comfortable the same day.
After the appt. we tried to dry our tears and drop off Chelseas quilt to be quilted then my mom wanted to go pick out her casket and flowers. Boy, I never thought in a million years that I would be helping my own mother pick out her own casket. I can still see it in my mind, clear as day. We sat next to eachother on the couch and looked through a book. She told me to just pretend we were looking for someone else. She didn't want elaborte flowers, just simple and cost effective. It was extremely hard to hold myself together. My dad showed up a little late and joined us in the decscion making process.
Surgery was scheduled later at about 2:00ish. While she was in sugery my dad and I went to Bento Teriyaki for lunch. Two things I learned at lunch was #1 That you cant cry and swallow at the same time, and #2 What your odds are of drawing an elk tag! It was nice to be one-on-one with my dad. Something I am not real used to.
Was glad that there was an end to that day.
Friday, July 11, 2008
-Dropped off Davis at Monte & Kelly's
-Got groceries for mom, filled her prescription for hydrocodone and got my oil changed in the van.
Saturday. july 12, 2008
-Drained fliud from moms lung @ 9:15 am
-Picked up Chelseas quilt today at Susan Johnson in Richland.
-Mom helped set the sprinklers on the lawn but quit early..too tired.
-Sat on the couch and rubbed moms feet while she layed down. She was pretty nasueas and coughed a lot. We talked while she rested.
-Worked on cutting strips for binding Chelseas quilt. Talked together sitting next to the sewing machine. (I can still hear the sound of the machine and see the scissors she used to carry around her neck having them accessible. We talked about the possiblity of having sewing machines in heaven. She wanted one! I brought up the point of the wierdness it was talking about her own funeral. It was about the only subject that was talked about since Thurs. Her reply was exaclty this as she held up her hand and laughed, "well, if I want it done right, I do it myself. And you can quote me on that one."
My mother was a go-getter with such a positive outlook on life. She had her bad days but overall she looked at her situation with such courage. She was so brave in choosing not to do anymore chemo! That takes a lot!
-I told mom that I wanted to do a book about her. We talked about it "Thoughts and Memories of My Mother" is what I would name it . Maybe i would include stuff about Baking/Gardening/Trips/things we do together/Quilts/sayings
Sunday. July 13, 2008
-Went to church @ 1:00
-Kids went to Kims while we attended family mtg at 6:30 pm out at the house.
Mom discussed her wishes and funeral plans. Everyone was there including spouses and some older grandkids. Bishop Doug Grover came and shared some of his thoughts. He was the bishop when mom was Relief Society President so they worked closely together. He shared the inspiration that he felt when Mom asked to be released because of being diagnosed with cancer. Afterward we went out to get our last family pictures taken. We were pleased with how they turned out!
Back inside my mom discussed her plans. We all did fairly well considering the topic. We even had a few wise cracks in there. One from Melanie about "etching dads date in early on his grave marker" It got some good laughs and made the meeting not so somber. My younger brother, Kent was having a really hard time. He couldn't stop crying. My mom looked at him and started to cry then she went over and sat her little body on his lap. She told him, "Kent, families are forever, that is why we to the temple. You find yourself a good wife and get your life straighted out and things will be okay. I am your mother and I will always be your mother. We all were dripping by this time.
We followed the mtg by having root beer floats! Something to lighten the mood.
-Amazing that Im ending this day with not that bad of a headache.
I returned home on Monday, the 14th of July. The weeks that followed my visit were some of the worst feeling I've ever had. I wanted so desperately to be there helping my dear mother. I felt like part of me was dying and I couldn't be happy about anything cause I felt her pain deep inside of me. I was unmotivated and sad...My mom was constantly sick, throwing up, not eating much, no appetite, just plain sick. I felt like taking away her pain and carrying it for her for a while. I can feel a tiny bit how our Savior must feel for us when we are struggling. He is asking us to let him take some of the load if we will let him.
At this point in Boise, 5 hours away, alone and helpless, I knew I needed to come back home to be with her but when...how much time did I have. Trying to get everything organized and planned out in my head was a nightmare. Talk about stress! How long will I be gone? Who will teach my class at church? Do I have enough grocieries? What am I going to do with my kids, cause Im definatley not taking them this time! School supplies...doctor appts...school starting?
I prayed and prayed and stressed about how i would know when to come. I wanted to be there for her up until the end. But death is like a baby being born, no one not even doctors can tell you when it will happen. I really wanted some good "time" with mom without kids before she was gone. Maybe a week and a half is all I was asking. I was scared that I wouldn't get to talk with her before she was incoherent. I had never been through this before and I had no idea what to expect. Death is known as a sad thing and people really don't come out in the open and talk about it. It did help to talk to Margaret, a friend I met through Katie Bowers who i've never met but talked on the phone to. She lost her mom a year ago from Cancer also. We have quite a few similarities, kinda scary. She helped me prepare a little for the coming weeks. Thanks Margaret for your time and tears!
The one thing that I am so grateful for is how much TIME I spent with my mom not just in these last few months but years. She is my everything and I will never be the same without her! She has taught me well though and that is what I have to hold onto...her example.
More to come on the last 2 weeks with mom...
A final quote
We carry around in our heads these pictures of what our lives are supposed to look like, painted by the brush of our intentions. It's the great, deep secret of humanity that in the end none of our lives look the way we thought they would. As much as we wish to believe otherwise, most of life is a reaction to circumstances.
-Richard Paul Evans
3 comments:
Beautiful post Sherri...you made me cry on a Saturday morning. I loved it when you talked about you and your mom working on the quilt together...talking about sewing machines in heaven. What special times for you! I really admire how you have written all this down.
Glad the Sunflower helped you escape! :) Isn't it such a good book!
Great quote at the end too...fits perfectly. Helps me reflect as well.
Sherri, I am so glad that you put that journal to good use! You will never regret the months that you put your life on hold to help your mother, even though at the time you might have felt like your life was falling apart without the regular routine. I feel your loss so deeply, sobbing while I read your most precious and sincere post. Your mother has raised a kind, compassionate young woman. And she is most definitely right, families are forever!
Sherri, I am so glad you are writing and talking about things. That will help you in healing. I love you bunches and are glad that I have you as my bib sis.
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